I unintentionally run a home for misfit felines. There are five- yes, I said five felines that reside on my property. I did not set out to be the crazy cat lady. Only one of the furry family members did I initially seek out and bring home. The others just found their way to my home. Before the PETA people start sending me hate mail, they are all spayed or neutered except the one that is too young. My family is plotting against me, or the cats are just very savvy and manipulative. I am fairly sure the movie Gremlins was written by someone that accidently got a collection of cats.
If you wish to start your own collection, here are the steps to follow:
Step 1- Give birth to two sons that quickly develop a love for animals and particularly the hostile feline kind. It might be considered an obsession.
Step 2- Let one of the sons become old enough to drive and provide him with a mode of transportation.
Step 3- Marry a man that saves animals and does not tell his daughters no when it comes to animals.
Step 4- Live next to a small wooded area where humans drop off cats or cats escape humans to live in the wild.
Step 5- Sit back and wait. The cats are coming.
My feline hoarding started with an ex-husband ( the big guy), two sons, and the intention to pull one over on me. The big guy returns the kiddos home with a cat carrier that contains the ugliest little skinny kitten that has ever walked the earth. The big guy tells me the kids already love him. Sneaky children beg me to let it stay. I relent. I force the kids to compromise on a name. The tall one says Bruce Wayne. The short one says Lightning McQueen. The cat is named Bruce Lightening. Little Bruce did not stay long. I suspect he ran away due to his horrible name.
Now, I have sad children. I adopt a cat from the shelter. Little kitty has a name, Maxwell. I convinced the children to keep the name to prevent a repeat of the Bruce Lightening incident. Though not the brightest bulb in the box, Max is a sweet cat . He is a little strange , and I am not entirely sure he knows he is a cat, but a weird cat fits into a weird family- right?
The dog raises the confused cat. Life goes on. One dog, one cat – that is normal.
My oldest son ( the tall one) takes the girlfriend on a date. They go to the pet store. There is not much to do in Oxford, Al. The tall one decides to adopt a cat that came with a sob story. She has been adopted and returned to the shelter more than once. No red flags there. Her name is Bonnie like Bonnie and Clyde. It suits her. There are many promises that he will feed, care for, and vet said crazy cat. I am still waiting on those promises to be fulfilled.
Only a few months later, the tall one calls me after going out with the same girl. He says, “ Mom, I got you something.” I respond, “ It better not need to be fed and watered.” The tall one responds, “ It was on the side of the road. It needs our help. It looks like that cat we used to have named Snickers.” My response, “ You mean it is a calico. Shit, it is a girl.” Tall one, “ Mom, you are on speaker phone. “ The tall one named her Caramel.
As if the tall one needed help rescuing every homeless cat on the planet , my then finance’ and now husband decided to get in on the act. He let his daughters talk him into not one but two homely kittens. When I questioned why two, the hubs responded , “ I have two daughers.” They are kittens not toothbrushes they could have shared. The fur balls lived with him a few short weeks until they ended up with me because we were getting married and they would end up here anyway. If these kittens were human children, they would be in the special class. They are skitties.
Since apparently the universe thinks five felines is not enough for one family, the feral cats that live in the woods by my house take turns coming to dine at Casa De Crazy Cats. There is a one eyed tom that frequents the fine faire on the screened in porch. There is a scruffy looking earless orange tom that also is a frequent visitor. Apparently, the cats invite house guests. There are many more random strange cats that visit like it is a feline fiesta up in here. They refuse to listen to me telling them that they don’t live here. On the plus side, we don’t have mice. We also do not have chipmunks, birds in the yard, or squirrels.
Some days after the completion of this entry, I received a text from the tall one to let me know that a kitten showed up and decided to keep us. That makes 6. No one claims responsibility for the new addition. I guess there are invisible hobo cat marks on our house. Anyone need or want a cat or maybe 5?