Herbicidal Hair Ball 

Despite my history of murdering innocent green life, I have always wanted an herb garden, or I wanted one in theory. I kept my herb garden on Pinterest where it was safe and healthy for years. My garden on Pinterest thrives. The hubs decided for Mother’s Day that my herb garden should be a reality. He did not believe that plantlife dies a freakish death in my presence. The hubs felt that my hectic lifestyle caused me to neglect the green babies, and that’s why I have been a tragic gardener in the past. Sweet hubs declared that he would help me tend the herbs. He went out and bought a beautiful three tiered planter and garden soil. We went to pick the plants together. I carefully chose two healthy looking lavender plants to ward of snakes and mosquitos because Pinterest told me they did. Cilantro, oregano, dill, rosemary, and thyme were also chosen. 

I got out my gardening gloves and went to work. The sweet hubs even gave me a tutorial on how to plant the green babies despite the fact that I told him that know how was not the problem. Hubs doubted my bad plant juju. At first, it seemed he was right. My luck had turned around. We took turns watering the plants. We watched in excitement as they grew. I even got a few clippings of each to use in cooking before the inevitable happened. This time I was innocent of plant murder. 

Enter my oldest son’s psychotic cat, Bonnie. Bonnie is a Siamese mix with one blue eye and one green eye. She is 10lbs heavier than her height and weight scale says she should be. She is also the type of cat that started the myths that cats are evil. I have been psycho kitty’s nemesis from day one. She loves all the males in the house. Me, the female, she despises. For no reason might I add. I buy the food, feed the cat, and take care of her. In return, she would break out of her human’s room when he went to work, drink my coffee, and sharpen her claws on the rug. She would then look at me like what cha gonna do about it. By the time her boy returned, she would be sweetly lying on his bed like an angel. Bonnie and I came to a mutual agreement  a few months after she came to live with us that we liked each other better when she was a porch cat. We had less run ins that way. 

Psycho kitty must have sensed a disturbance in the force. I was happy with my garden.  It lived! All of a sudden plants started to die. One at a time. The obese fur ball would sit on a plant until it died. She would then sit on another one. Bonnie was determined to kill the poor defenseless plants. I swear the evil kitty would smirk at me before she before she climbed up and sat on a plant. 

I tried spraying her with the water bottle, shooing her away, and even watering the garden with her in it to no avail. The robust white fur ball murdered the herbs. Now that her mission is accomplished, she has a new sleeping spot. Though, she keeps looking at me like I am next on the hit list.  If turn up dead or go missing, question the lard butt white cat.